I am the only person in the world whose cooking has been awarded a three-star Michelin rating. When I am in Rome, the Romans do as I do. I won an Olympic gold medal for the way I jump rope. Whenever a tree falls in an empty forest, I can hear it. I have won a Pulitzer Prize for a eulogy I delivered at a funeral. I can count from zero to infinity in less than thirty seconds. When I have occasion to travel to Scotland, I swim alongside the Loch Ness Monster. I have taught a penguin how to play the violin. I was once abducted by aliens, and the aliens insisted that I probe them. My saliva is considered to be an aphrodisiac. No less than forty songs have been written about my clitoris. I can stop a tsunami by yodeling. The last time I visited the Louvre, I was asked to modify the paintings so they were more to my liking. I was awarded a Nobel Prize for a medley of songs that I sing in the shower. A jeweler once offered me a million dollars for one of my freckles. I invented the color puce. I have bungee-jumped off a cloud. When I vacation in China, I play poker with a family of pandas. After I take a bath, the water is cleaner than when I went in.  I once landed a Boeing-747 on the summit of Mt. Everest. If I recite the Lord’s Prayer backwards, I can render myself invisible. When I vacation in Egypt, I regularly wrestle with crocodiles in the Nile. I am fluent in five languages that nobody else is able to speak. I won a MacArthur Genius Award for my daydreams. I have built a maze in my back yard that anyone who has entered has never found their way out of.  I once persuaded a family of vampires to become vegetarians. Eskimos have fourteen different words to describe my smile. I have had dinner with The Man in the Moon. I heard the Big Bang.

In the interest of full disclosure: For more years than I can remember, I have had overwhelming anger management issues. In order to maintain my sanity, I imbibe a daily cocktail of Zyprexa, lithium and Valium. In spite of the fact that during the past year I have not been psychiatrically hospitalized, I am still under a court order to see my psychiatrist twice a week. This morning I shot my neighbor’s cat for napping in my back yard. 

Regardless of what certain people may say, I am a good person.